(Photo by Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty Image)
If you’re anything like me, in the last week, your free time has been spent speculating where the biggest NFL free agent’s are going to sign and how your preferred Presidential candidate performs in the ongoing debates. So in the spirit of two things that could not be anymore dissimilar, I’m going to compare NFL free agents to Presidential candidates.
Mitchell Schwartz is John Kasich
John Kasich, the current Governor of Ohio, is everyone’s second favorite Presidential candidate. Why? Well, he’s basically Vanilla when your favorite flavor is Mint Chocolate Chip. Is Trump’s immigration policy too extreme for you? Kasich is 20% less scared of immigrants than Trump. Worried that Cruz is going to try to turn the New Testament into the New(er) Deal? Kasich is more of a Christmas and Easter Christian. Afraid that Bernie is going to add a “SR” onto the “US”? Kasich has a poster of Ronald Reagan on his bedroom wall.
Mitchell Schwartz was the premier right tackle available according to Pro Football Focus and therefore guaranteed to get a response of “nice signing” from practically anyone that pays attention to NFL free agency. The only thing that is more of a free pass than actually drafting an offensive lineman in the first round of the draft is giving a lineman a ton of money in free agency. There may be less than 10 people that can tell you if he’s any good at what he does and for that, he earns the John Kasich award. Oh and they are both desperate to leave Ohio.
Mario Williams is Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton, a distinguished politician, has held the titles of First Lady, New York State Senator and Secretary of State. Currently she is most recognized as being the front runner for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Many supporters tout her experience and voting record as evidence of her qualification as POTUS. Others note her disingenuous positions on critical issues and remain unsure of who she really is. What is most certainly clear is that Hillary is not shy to accept money from many different organizations.
Mario Williams is also a fan of taking money from New Yorkers. In 2012, Mario signed the (then) richest deal for a non quarterback in NFL history. What did the Bills get for that money? Three seasons of dominant football and a fourth filled with what I will kindly describe as inconsistent effort.
Following in the footsteps of many people who work in Buffalo, Mario has decided to move to Florida, signing a two year deal with the Dolphins this week. Like Clinton, it’s tough to tell what you’re really going to get out of Mario. He did let a Dolphins beat reporter know that he’s going to actually try in 2016, so there’s that.
"Everything is going to be fine. It's going to be right back to where it used to be," Mario Williams on claims his effort was bad in 2015.
— Omar Kelly (@OmarKelly) March 9, 2016
Brock Osweiler is Bernie Sanders
I can’t figure out if Bernie Sanders doesn’t accept money from New York because he genuinely doesn’t want to or because Hillary and Mario took it all. Either way, Sanders’ run toward the Democratic nomination has been funded almost solely by his supporters. Sanders’ describes himself as a “Democratic Socialist”, which is essentially just a fancy way of saying that he’s going to legally give all of your stuff away.
His policies on health care and workers rights are basically a horror film for right wingers and are guaranteed to result in countless dollars lost to government waste. Speaking of dollars lost to waste, lets discuss Brock Osweiler.
Brock Osweiler, formerly of the Denver Broncos, has thrown 305 passes in his NFL career. Just to put that number in perspective, Drew Brees threw 627 passes last season. Despite his relative lack of production and his comparison to players like Nick Foles and Mark Sanchez by spotrac.com, the Houston Texans decided to reward Osweiler with a 4 year contract, averaging $18 million per year.
Like Sanders, Osweiler is only interested in blatantly stealing the money of good Americans, in this case, the Houston Texans. He’s also mirroring Sanders’ strategy of gaining support by solely having not really screwed anybody over yet.
Adam Jones is Donald Trump
Donald Trump, love him or hate him, is easily the most polarizing figure in the presidential race. His supporters have compared him to Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus while his detractors prefer to compare him to Hitler. His stance on policy is that it’s “going to be great” and while it very well may be, many are lost in the vagaries that fill his speeches. Fortunately for Trump, American’s don’t worry about policy, they prefer to dissect a person’s social media presence.
Sorry, @Rosie is a mentally sick woman, a bully, a dummy and, above all, a loser. Other than that she is just wonderful!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 9, 2014
.@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 28, 2012
Adam “Pacman” Jones, like Trump, is known as a bit of a hothead. Jones was suspended from the NFL for the entire 2007 and a portion of the 2008 season because of off field discretion’s. His personal foul penalty in the Bengals latest playoff loss put a bow on a season where, among other things, Jones was fined slamming Amari Cooper‘s head into his own helmet.
Also like Trump, Jones has a colorful presence on social media, as evidenced by his NSFW Instagram tirade following the aforementioned Bengals playoff loss. (Again, it’s NSFW).
In true Trump fashion, Jones is also fairly well known for showing off how much money he has. John Barr of ESPN wrote this in July of 2009:
Never-before-released court documents and amateur video help provide the clearest picture yet of what happened inside a Las Vegas strip club on Feb. 19, 2007, when Adam “Pacman” Jones showered scantily clad dancers with money. Just minutes after “making it rain,” Jones was involved in a fight inside the club. A short time later, three people were shot outside the club.
Jones initially was charged with felony coercion for his role in the melee. The charge later was reduced, but the incident ultimately helped push his NFL career to the brink.
While I do believe there are some apt comparisons between The Donald and Pacman, like how people get hurt outside of events they attend, it should be noted that Pacman would most likely not be allowed to be present at a Trump speech.
This article is meant for satirical purposes and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of its’ writer or Super Two Sports.